Dear Firstborn

Dear Firstborn,

 I still remember the day we found out we were expecting you. A few months earlier, I miscarried your sibling at 7 weeks. That was the first time I seen your father cry. It was heartbreaking, but I trusted it happened for reasons that I would never know of.

 We honestly had mixed emotions when you came along. We didn't want to get too excited and be let down. I did my very best to protect you. I never drank caffeine and I sure didn't lift anything heavy. At times, I felt like I was walking on egg shells because I didn't want anything to happen to you.

 I managed to carry you full term, and was in labor for 36 hours until they decided to do a C-section. After delivery, they rushed you away because my labor was so long. They feared an infection might have taken place.

 I was away from you for 11 hours. They were probably the longest hours I had even known. I was anxious and worried about you. You see from the moment you were born, my life changed.

 I was no longer me. I was your Mother and responsible for your life. It was my job to protect you and care for you. 

 Today, your 17 years old and I'm still trying to protect you and care for you. 

 I know I'm hard on you and most of the time I expect too much. It's because I want the very best for you!

 I know at times you feel like no matter what you do, it's never good enough. 

 I get that! Most of the time, that's how I feel as your mother.

 I strive to be the mother you deserve and I screw up all the time! I parent from fear, say things that I shouldn't, and sometimes I freak out because I think of all the what-ifs that could happen to you.

 My perfectionism creeps in and somehow it's transferred onto you..

 I see you stressed out about your grades and your future, and the truth is.. Even if you failed all your classes, I would still be proud of you.

 You are so unique, caring, always putting others before yourself,and you stand up for what you believe in! You excel in All that you do!

And, when I'm at my worst... You see past all that I am and LOVE me anyways..

 You see, you don't have to try because this is who you already are!


So...

 When I'm hard on you, know that I'm Proud of you!

 When you make a mistake, know that we all mistakes and It's alright!

 When I'm moody and don't feel like talking, It's not your fault. I'm just having a bad day!

 When you feel like I want you to be someone your not, Be Yourself!

 and when you feel like I am too Over protective, please understand I'm just trying to protect you and care for you!

It's not you!

It's Me....